|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
How to Communicate Constructively
Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship. 1. Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example: You-message: "You left the dishes in the sink again."I-message: "When you don't clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of." 2. Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components: Observations: neutral statements of fact Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs Feelings: descriptions of your emotions Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person Here is an example of a complete message: "The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you."An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: "I hope we can go to the movies this weekend." There isn't really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants. 3. Don't use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example: Objective: "I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn't pass the bar the first time." Aggressive: (yelling) "You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!" 4. Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, "I'm upset that you left the food out on the table" is clearer than saying, "Thanks for the mess you left me." The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding. 5. Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound: "You are such a complete slob." "I wish you would take your stuff upstairs." Attacking someone's personality or character-rather than a specific behavior-is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: "You always screw the budget up. Can't you do anything right?"Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because: ? Criticism is destructive rather than constructive. ? It involves blame. ? Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.). ? Criticisms attack the other person personally. ? It feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end. 6. Stop bringing up ancient history. It's more constructive to focus on the issue at hand, not bring up past hurts. When you are upset with your partner and add past issues to the discussion, it can only escalate the conflict. It feels unfair and can never be productive. If you still have feelings about past issues, it is important to resolve them and move on, not use them as weapons every time you have a disagreement with your partner. 7. Watch out for mixed messages. Keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix compliments and complaints. For example, let's say that you meet your friend at a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too provocative. Straight message: "You look very nice tonight." Mixed message: "You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that." 8. Pay attention to your body language. Your words are only part of the message you communicate. If you say "How nice to see you" while frowning, your message becomes unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these: ? Rolling your eyes ? Crossing your legs and arms ? Tapping your foot ? Clenching your teeth 9. Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you'll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:? Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.? Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.? Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like: "I'm very upset right now, but it'll be okay. I still love her.""Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.""We can work this out. We're partners." 10. Resolve negative feelings. If you have bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don't let them grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces, and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and negativity will have a very difficult time surviving. 11. Don't be defensive. It is understandable to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include: ? Denying responsibility (I did not!) ? Making excuses (I couldn't help it; traffic was awful) ? Ignoring what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess you left yesterday?) ? Saying Yes, but... ? Whining ? Rolling your eyes or making a face 12. Don't shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last (see Suggested Reading), author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship. Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.
MORE RESOURCES:
Coffee - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Bedroom Treason Just a note to ask if there are other married women and men who are happy in their marriage and in their affair at the same time? I am fulfilled at home, in the bed and emotionally, with two men meeting my needs.It would be great if I had found a guy who could satisfy me both emotionally and sexually, but it just didn't happen. Dumped? Get Set for a New Life Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a new and improved model. Are Single Black Women Too Independent? Are single black women too independent? Too sure of themselves, too eager to express their opinion (and dis yours), too unwilling to listen and be submissive? Are today's black women even capable of 'following' a strong black man? For all my single brothers out there who have asked me these questions many times - this article is for you.First, let's deal with the first question - Are single black women too independent? My answer to this might surprise you - I think, in many ways, black women are too independent, but with good reason. Relationship Advice: 7 Strategies for a Great Relationship 1. CommitmentTrue commitment means much more than simply committing to staying married. Making New Friends How do we make friends? More importantly if dropped into a new city or a new job or a new school, how do we go about making a new friends? Most of us don't really think about it, but just sort of allow people to float in and out of our lives without really paying any attention to how we pull new people into our lives.Years ago, my son was four years old and starting preschool. Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for what I call a multilevel apology.Anyone can say "I'm sorry," and it's important those words are spoken. Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Meet Emotional Needs Harville Hendrix, in his book ``Getting the Love You Want'' has some interesting and helpful notions about the process of falling in love. According to Hendrix, as we fall in love with someone, we believe that this person will be able to meet all of our emotional needs. Apologizing When We Hurt Our Friends or Partners In every relationship there will be occasional misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Sometimes we are the one who hurt another person we care about; sometimes we are the one who has been hurt. Put-Downs: The Whole Story What put-downs really areLet me begin by saying what they are not. Put-downs are not "harmless jokes. Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Survive a Break Up Break ups are never easy. You are a bundle of jealous, hurt, angry, resentful emotions. He's So Loving (But He Has These Black Moods) It's strange how often abused women tell you how loving their partner is. Stranger still is that it usually happens after they have talked about extraordinary threats, behaviour or violence to which he has subjected them. Easy Ways to Turn Any Evening Romantic If you don't have the time, money or energy to plan and execute the perfect date, you're not alone. The good news is you can set up a romantic evening in just a few minutes and without any cost. Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and Spouses Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkIt's natural to want to maintain a relationship with our former romantic partners (assuming that the relationship ended on reasonably good terms, of course). Noon (A Love Story) Noon(A Short Love story,dedicated to my wife Rosa)Marina, raised and born in Huancayo, Peru. Young and beautiful fell in love with Winston, a handsome man, but not of her culture, rather he was quite the opposite in that he was a gringo, as she called him, and she an Inca, as he called her; but love flowed, and it was as should be, love at first sight, and a lasting love. Can We Still Be Friends? Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkEven when we know it's time to end a romantic relationship, we're often reluctant to let go of our partners completely. The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking & Loving Y.O.U. "Know Thyself" PlatoIsn't it curious how just about everything in this material world comes with an operating manual; one specifically addressing the care and maintenance of its make, model and style? I don't care if it's a computer, a car, a refrigerator or a package of flower seeds, we always seem to get a description in ten or more languages of how to operate or nurture the item of concern. Well, human beings also require some operating instructions if we are to understand one another. Dating Women From Russia: Important Tips The Marriage Agencies Never Tell You I want to share with you information that the Russian marriage agencies don't tell you on their web sites.Many of the dating agencies tout, how young Russian women are so family oriented and will make wonderful wives and family partners. He Still Hasnt Popped the Question - Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? You've been dating the man forever, and he has yet to cough up a ring. You spend every single weekend with him. Why He May Be Cheating On You Why He May Be Cheating On YouThere could be all sorts of reasons known only to your man, but there are also those reasons in which women may contribute to, such as: You Let Yourself Go, You Lost Yourself In Him, or You Have No Ambition along with many others. Sometimes women live for their men. What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold Everything was great.We had been dating for 6 months.
|
 |
 |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
|
|||||
| Pendle Writers .com © 2006 | |||||
.jpg)