|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Defining Relationship Commitment for Todays Couples
WHAT IS COMMITMENT? The question of when a relationship is committed is a sourceof much confusion and debate. We live in a time when themarriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is goingup, and the majority of first-born children are now born tounmarried parents. In this article I hope to shed some light on this questionto facilitate your work with couples and individualschallenged by different perceptions of the status of theirrelationships. COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me shehad just broken off a "committed" relationship. A fewquestions later I learned that she had been dating thisperson for a year, they were not living together, and thereason she broke it off is that he "cheated." We talked about pre-committed vs. committed relationships,and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, butinsisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other. OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is thestatus of the relationship- pre-committed vs. committed, andon the other hand are commitments made within therelationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right? In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinctionbetween a "Commitment" vs. a "Promise." They made a promiseto each other within the context of a relationship that wasnot committed. That distinction seemed to help her make moresense of things. When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the "commitmentvs. promise" distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a promise you are making a commitment. Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and hereis my definition of terms: PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act. - I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time - I promise to be exclusive in our relationship COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and anATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs. - I am committed to keeping my promises - I am committed to our relationship In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitmentis something you do. A promise is situation-specific. Acommitment is contextual. A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partnerdoesn't keep promises, I would question their ability tokeep commitments, as they are definitely related. CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinctionI made between a commitment and a promise was helpful forthe above conversation. The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusionabout the status of today's relationships. Some years agowhen I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couplesthat were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpfuldistinction, but the question remains- "What is commitment?" When you are married, it is clear you are in a committedrelationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE. I have talked with many unmarried people, as the womanabove, who have described themselves in "committedrelationships." They clearly have the attitude, but oftenhave nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not eventhat!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed. IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF: A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is aformal event of some kind between two people. A commitmentis something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it. And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are noexits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the goinggets rough, you make it work. CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to"on." When building a relationship with someone, the levelof commitment gradually increases. Then you have all the shades of gray. living together,dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to bemarried, that might look and feel like commitment, but is itreally? FACT VS. ATTITUDE Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takestwo people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events,actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them. It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") butnot in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the rightrelationship for me"). It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. datingexclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'TheOne!' "). In my work with couples I have found that the most importantvariable determining their future success is their level ofcommitment to the relationship. In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, butnot in attitude, their prognosis is poor. Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generallyfall into two categories- UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" modelof trying the relationship out, acting committed withoutactually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact andattitude. CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usuallyhave commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this theright relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" Analignment of fact and attitude. CONCLUSION So, when is a relationship committed? -- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude. What creates the "fact" of commitment? I propose these three criterion:
In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I wouldsay it is a committed relationship, whether legally marriedor not. I sincerely hope this article helps address the commonquestions about commitment that arise in relationshipcoaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but itis my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you haveproductive conversations with your clients that are caughtin the gray areas to support them to make effectiverelationship choices. ©2005 by Relationship Coaching Institute / All rightsreserved David Steele is a California-based Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach, founder and CEO of Relationship Coaching Institute. He is the author of "Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World" and innovative relationship coaching programs for singles and couples, as well as practice development programs and books for private practice professionals. For more information about David and his programs please visit http://www.davidsteeleonline.com
MORE RESOURCES:
Coffee - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Save Your Relationships (5 Easy Steps To A Winning Relationship) We all enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. Each person has a shopping list of hopes and expectations, secret demands he/she makes on their partners. Happily Single v Happily Married Have you noticed how so many people spend their lives wishing they were something they are not?Short people would like to be tall; plump people want to be thin; singles want to be in a relationship, possibly married, and those who are married eye their single friends and the freedom they have, with some jealousy.Family gatherings are always a minefield for the singletons amongst us. Rescue and Rebuild Your Relationship: 7 Tips to Make it Work Create Time To Share And Time On Your Own.Establish time to spend together and time for yourself. Coping With A New Culture: Problems And Solutions Coping with a new culture has never been the easiest job of one's life, for, not only that you miss your friends and family in the new place, you also miss your very own culture. And culture, as the social anthropologists say, is exactly what we do in our life. How to Improve Relationships with Feng Shui Remedies In order to improve relationships, many people have increasingly turned to Feng Shui remedies hoping to find a solution for their woes.The Feng Shui used in this article is the Eight Mansion (Pa-Kua) School under the Xuan Kong System. 7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners show respect and kindness toward each other. The relationship forms a rewarding and enduring bond of trust and support. Think INSIDE the Square to Keep Those Love Fires Burning I was sitting in my sanctuary in my back yard contemplating the world's mysteries and minding my own business when a fellow neighbor walked up to me and started a conversation. As he looked a little distressed, I invited him into my little spiritual oasis and offered him a cup of coffee. Support for Non-ADD Spouses and Partners Living with adult ADD can be quite a challenge. Not only is it a challenge for the actual person who has ADD but for those around him or her. Celebrate Friendship Day with Fresh Flowers! Send flowers this Friendship Day, Sunday, August 7th! Across the street or across the country, a local florist can send a gift of Friendship to your Special Friend!Consider sending a friend a beautiful vase of her (or his) favorite flowers to celebrate National Friendship Day! Here are some gift ideas to inspire you;For the Gardener: Send a watering can filled with wildflowers and a raffia bow. Green Thumbs would also appreciate a Green or Blooming Plant in a decorative basket or container. When A Relationship Goes Bad What do you do when a long term relationship goes bad? How do you pick up the pieces and get on with your life? It is very simple for someone to tell you that you should just forget about the person you once loved and find someone new.You don't want to stop rehashing in your mind the how and why the relationship went bad. Destroyers of Relationships Communication and listening is very important in any relationship. For it says in Amos 3:3 Do two walk together unless they agreed to do so? Honesty is another factor in a relationship in Colossians 3:9 it says Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Being Romantic for a Change Honestly, I do not know anyone who is romantic nowadays other than me and a few people I have met online. Is romance fading from our lives? And why is it always looked at as a silly trivial thing? Are not dreamy romantic people considered losers by some?For me, romance is simply life. To Know You Is To Love You How do you show someone you love them? Do you buy them expensive gifts? Spend quality time together? Make personal sacrifices just to see them smile? Dedicate a song to them? Write a love letter or note of encouragement? Become their cheerleader? Those are wonderful things to do but my question goes deeper then those types of activities, even beyond your romantic partner. Think about your parents, your children, your best friend, your sister, or your brother. What Makes The Ideal Man? Are you looking for the Ideal Man? While my book "the Ultimate Online Dating Handbook" will show you how to get him, have you ever wondered what the Ideal Man would be like? How should he spend his spare time, should he like sports, or shopping? Manicures or electronics? Well, in an online survey, The Harris Poll and Dodge Dakota asked 2,131 U.S. Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Meet Emotional Needs Harville Hendrix, in his book ``Getting the Love You Want'' has some interesting and helpful notions about the process of falling in love. According to Hendrix, as we fall in love with someone, we believe that this person will be able to meet all of our emotional needs. Gay and Lesbian Relationships America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of the same gender. This reluctance follows a similar pattern to the hostility towards interracial relationships. 7 Steps To Creating A Healthy Relationship Everything in life, in order to be a success, requires knowledge and education to some extent. We read, study and take courses on several subjects that we as human beings require in order to live the life we choose to live. Frugal Ways To Show Your Love At one time, I would have never wanted to share my frugal ideas for showing love to those around you. My reason for keeping it to myself? At one time I thought that no one would be interested. Lingerie Buying Advice For Guys Buying lingerie for your lover can be one of the most romantic things you can do. It's an intimate gift which, if you get it right, shows you really care, really do understand her and have put the effort in to really think about a gift she will like. Are Women From Utopia And Men From Wal-Mart? It is surprising how many writers, psychologists, or scientists have made it their life's work focusing on the gender differences. In our male-dominated society it is no coincidence that men have undertaken the bulk of this work.
|
 |
 |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
|
|||||
| Pendle Writers .com © 2006 | |||||
